I’m never short of meeting interesting characters while riding the ‘L’ at night. I’m sure if you’re reading this and from Chicago, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Here we have one such tale. I was recently riding the blue line around 2am on my way home from a late night comedy show. The ride was fine, no disturbances, until, at the Damen stop, a crotchety, ornery, heavily intoxicated old bag lady got on rambling profanities and saying random one-liners the likes of, “that’s what you get” and “I told ya.” She used words like bastard, prick, and bullshit. I could have swore I also heard her say the word “sack.” She sat down and continued her rant of terror for the next 2 stops. Then, randomly, a hero stood up to defend us all. “Not the hero we deserved but the hero we needed.”
Hero: Will you shut the fuck up you ol’ bitch!
Rambling woman: What the hell did you just say to me. I’ll kick your scrawny ass.
Hero: Who do you think you’re talking to? I’m 50 years old you ashy sack a shit.
Rambling woman: If you don’t sit down…
Hero: Keep it up and you’re gonna get a lil MAY NOT.
Rambling woman: What the…hell is that?
Hero: I hit you so hard you MAY NOT wake up!
That’s right ladies and gentleman. A lil MAY NOT. I have never heard anything the likes of this before and I will never forget it. This is up there with “who’s hungry for a hertz donut?” This new catchphrase managed to stop time in my world. Imagine when Spiderman’s spidey sense goes off and everything happens in slow motion. That’s what it felt like to me. I must also add that this hero had the stance and mannerisms of Mick Jagger. He was standing, but gyrating and throwing his arms blindly through the air while delivering his Academy Award winning line. I looked around to make sure that everyone had heard the iconic dialogue that had just occurred. No one was phased. If this is what occurs on a nightly basis on the train, I MAY NOT ever get off.