I LOVE going to the movies. I typically see a new movie 1-2x a month. The experience is so much fun. I don’t like popcorn, but I’m a big fan of candy. I usually start with the giant XL-sized Slurpee or coke and a $5 handful of Sour Patch Kids before we even step foot in the theater. The proportions don’t add up considering the box of candy is bigger than the amount of candy actually in the box. RIPOFF. SCAM. I buy them anyway. Now lets talk about the conditions of the theater. The place is a war-zone. Sticky floors. Chocolate stained seats. Yes, I said chocolate stained seats. Don’t tell me you have never dropped a sno-cap or buncha crunch between your legs during the movie only to later find out it melted leaving a chocolate shit stain on your pants. Chocolate pants. No one picks up their trash so you’re basically walking around on the Earth you originally see Wall-E on. The theaters set up garbage cans at every exit. No one uses them. It’s terrible. On one joyous night, my friends and I got to the theater a little early. We were going to see The Amazing Spider-Man. This place had a specific theater with what they referred to as a ‘state of the art sound system’. Before we went in, I went to the concession stand for my standard Slurpee. “Which flavor would you like” the young employee asked. “I’ll take blueberry please” I cheerfully replied. “I’m sorry all we have is wild cherry.” He then turned and went off to fetch the drink. Already off to a great start I thought. Returning, the young employee no more than 16 years old hands me a cup of red liquid. It basically looked like a cup of fruit punch. “What is this?” I asked. While we stood in the air conditioned area, he responded, “It’s hot out.”
When we walked in, we were the only ones there so we took the row with the bar so we could put our feet up. The area around our seats was a disaster zone. A real sticky situation. I imagined people just sitting there pouring out their drinks and laughing hysterically. Then, just smashing candy into the ground with their feet. Each person doing their own rendition of Michael Flatley’s Lord of the Dance once the credits start rolling. 35 seconds into sitting down and getting situated, the cleaning crew walks in. “We need to clean the theater. Can you please step outside?” came from off to the left. Making our way out of the isle, we stood near the wall watching as the workers began their journey. The screen turned on and the pre-previews started. You know what I’m talking about. The ‘behind the scenes’ for different upcoming TV shows or sometimes even trivia before the official previews begin. The sound was equivalent to a space shuttle launch. It blew my ears off. I thought I was dead. Imagine me rolling down the isle and right out of the door. Now, imagine me slowly crawling back. That’s how loud it was. A 5.0 on the richter. As we stood there like clowns commenting on the pre-previews, the workers made their way back down the isles and out of the theater. They cleaned every isle except for ours.