The night I almost blew the house up

So earlier tonight I was talking with 2 of my best friends and a random story came up. I had said, “what if I just got into my car and it exploded?”  I always think that my car is going to blow up when I get into it. I knew I shouldn’t have crossed the Ferrelli brothers in the third grade. I think it’s because I’ve seen too many mobster movies and played too much Grand Theft Auto. Remember that scene in Casino where Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein (DeNiro) gets into his car while ‘housing of the rising sun’ is playing in the background? It semi-explodes to him narrating  “no matter what the feds or the papers said about my car bombing…it was amateur night, and you could tell.” Well, this reminded me of the time I almost blew up my whole house. Yes. I almost blew the house up.When I was a little kid, I loved to scare people. Who didn’t? I would always jump out and scare the hell out of my family members. It’s the same reason people work at a haunted house. It’s hilarious. On one joyous night, I decided to hide in the basement. Scary, but there were numerous areas to conceal my small weaselly body. My hiding spot. Behind the hot water heater. I snuck behind the heater and waited. About 15 minutes later and no indication that anyone was coming, I decided to come out.

However, on my way out I tripped over something. Whatever I tripped over now started to hiss. It was the drain valve to the hot water tank. Natural gas started spewing out into the room. I casually walked upstairs and went into my bedroom. 10 minutes later, my Poppy walked into my room to tuck me in. I informed him of the snake-like sound in the basement. He tore ass out of the room and leaped down the stairs.  I quickly followed after him to see what all the commotion was about. If you’re reading this thinking you’re an idiot. I was like 6 or 7 years old and also…a complete idiot.  At this point, the entire basement was filled with noxious gas.  “CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!” screamed Poppy. Upstairs, my Nana ran to the phone to dial the cast of Rescue Me. As Poppy turned to say, “GET OUT OF HERE”, a fire ball burst into the air. I’ll never forget it. His whole arm lit up in a flame and then quickly disappeared. All of the hair on his arm was incinerated in an instant. AHHHHHHHH!!!! He picked me up and scampered up the stairs. He actually may have flew up the stairs. At that point, everyone sprinted out of the house. Men. Women. Children. Dogs. Absolute chaos. Imagine 100 people hustling to get out of a clown car. It was nothing like that. In the frenzy, my Nana couldn’t find the chains for the dogs. So what did she do? She put ties on the dogs. So now we have sophisticated business dogs trotting around while everyone else is in their pajamas. It looked like a job interview gone wrong.  The firetrucks pulled up in front of my neighbor’s house. “WE’RE TOO LATE” they shouted. My neighbors house was horrendous looking and was quickly mistaken for a burned down house. “Over here!” we yelled. They slowly gazed over to see 2 dogs wearing ties and holding clipboards.


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