STAYING ALIVE

This is another tale of crazy people encountered on the trains. These types of things happen literally every day and on multiple occasions. Going to work. Coming home. Crazies. Everywhere. When you’re riding the train in Chicago there’s never a dull moment. One busy morning, I was taking the blue line downtown. This was back in May and school was not out yet so the crowd of people included kids going to school as well as those going to work. As usual, the train was absolutely packed. A real sardine can. At every stop another hopeless soul would cram in. Imagine people piled on top of one another all the way to the top of the train car. That’s what it was like. We were about 5 stops away when THE MAN got into the train. He was about 6’3. Long hair and a full beard. Nails that looked like talons. Shoes with no laces. To paint the picture for you,  he looked just like Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees, but covered in dirt. Barry wedged his way in between us. BLARGHGHGHGH he groaned. Standing right next to a kid probably no older than 14 years old. Standing there, he didn’t blink. His eyes were as wide as they could possibly be just staring intently into the distance. I was waiting for it. I thought to myself, it’s only a matter of time before this guy does or says something that’s going to disrupt everyone’s day. You know what I’m talking about. You see someone get on who you immediately think “oh no, not this guy.” A few stops went by and nothing happened. So then I felt like an asshole. Maybe the guy’s a nice guy, I thought, don’t judge a book by it’s co…

I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT A HOMO-SEXUAL!

My thought was quickly eradicated by Barry’s abrupt confession. I had spoken too soon. Apparently the kid with the backpack bumped into him causing him to express his sexual preferences. An accidental nudge that homophobic Barry took for a full blown advance. No one acknowledged it. No one but me. Of course, I whipped my head around to take a look at the commotion. Of course, Barry looked right into my soul. Without blinking, he stared at me. A contest I would quickly lose as I my eyes started shooting in different directions to avoid the incoming look of death. Imagine a close-up on me not moving my head but my eyes going left, right, and up and down to avoid Barry’s. After what felt like an eternity, we finally reached our stop. The doors opened. “Staying Alive” started blasting through the speakers of the train. There was no wind in the train, but Barry’s long Jesus-like hair just started blowing wildly. He strutted off. 

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