Friend Zone

I tend to find myself in the friend zone often. So often, I’d like to announce my candidacy for President. If you’re reading this and you don’t know what the ‘friend zone’ is. I’m referring to the very nice straight guy who girls hang out with, but nothing ever pans out for that guy. The guy is sweet and listens to everything the girl says. He’s always there for her. He likes her and it’s obvious. Or at least it is to everyone except for her. They hang out numerous times. They go to dinner. They go to the movies. They just go and drive around. They have fun together. They’re always laughing when they are together. The guy thinks (hopes) that something will pan out. Then he’s handed a live grenade. “You’re like a brother to me. I can tell you anything” or even worse “You’re like a gay best friend…but not gay.” FRIEND ZONED. That last one was something that a girl actually told me. This was after I sat there and listened to her sob stories about all the guys who treated her like shit and stopped talking to her. I would later find out why. She was the root of all evil. If you’re a guy who’s liked a girl and found yourself in these uncharted waters then you know exactly how awful it is. It’s simple. Wanting something you can’t have. Welcome to the NO GO zone.

I’m apparently doing it wrong. I find myself in these situations often and I wonder if it’s cause I’m too nice. Maybe I’m a push over. I don’t act tough because I don’t need to. I don’t treat girls like shit because I was not raised that way. That’s not who I am.  But with all these new (girl) friends piling up, I think what would non-nice guy Ryan do? What would bad Ryan do? Picture that scene from Spiderman 3 where Peter Parker attempts to be bad, but ends up looking emo instead. Imagine people in a book store. It’s a very peaceful environment where people are reading and enjoying some quiet time to themselves. Then, I, bad Ryan, come running in like a lunatic just tossing novellas up in the air. Imagine a birthday party. Just as they are about to blow out the candles I come sprinting in and smash the yellow frosted cake. I take away the wish. Imagine that montage all with the background music of  “Gangnam Style.”

Now, based on the world that I have been living in recently, I would end up getting the girl due to my actions in these scenarios. “What an asshole.” “What a jerk.” “What are you doing later?” Queue “Bad to the Bone.” I put on my leather jacket and black jeans. Chains everywhere. Motorcycle boots. I jump on my motorcycle to go pick this new dame up. Honking the horn, she runs outside. I smash a cigarette into my arm. “What’s your name?” she says while hopping on my bike. “Me?” I look around. “Harley Davidson.”


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