Worst…Interview…Ever

During lunch the other day, I went to Noodles & Company down the street from my work. First of all, they’ve replaced the traditional fountain soda machine with one of these high-tech whatcha-ma-call-it touch screens. If you have no idea what I’m talking about. It’s a giant touch screen machine that allows you to pick different flavors like Coca-Cola Lime or Sprite Grape. Both terrible. Of course, I find myself in a line waiting to get a drink, but with people who do not understand the concept of a line. There were people standing everywhere. They were up against the wall. They were sitting criss-cross applesauce on the floor. All in different places looking around at each other as if they wanted to say, “Am I up?” Once they finally got to the machine they didn’t know what to do because this touch screen contraption looks more like a time machine than a drink dispenser. When I got up to the machine, I stepped inside, went back in time 24 years and stopped my younger Looper self from killing me. While sitting at my table eating the crowd favorite ‘Wisconsin Mac & Cheese’ an interview erupts/explodes right in front of my face. If you’ve ever thought about fluffing up a resume with some more than truthful information. Think again. This is the story for you. I watched an ill-prepared job applicant dive face first into a volcano.

This thing started off with a bang. The employer dove right into it. “What makes you a good employee? Why would I hire you?” she asks. Very eagerly and hopeful, the applicant responds, “I am a hard worker. I’m good. I’m real good at what I do.” Barking back, she fires, “If you’re so good at what you do then why were you at your last job for only 2 months?” He was not ready for that. It looked like he was sucker punched with a hay-maker from Mike Tyson. “Bah bah bah” he rambled like he was  Lambchop until muttering, “I wanted to focus on school….I needed more hours.” The tyrant snarled, “You quit because you wanted more hours but wanted to focus on school? That doesn’t make any sense.” He had nowhere to go. This day couldn’t get any worse for him. Scrapping for something. Anything. He cried, “Let me be honest with you.”  Immediately, without hesitation,  the employer screeched, “So you’ve been lying to me the whole time?!” Flash forward to “Thanks for coming in” and the poor guy hustling away. Instead of heading out the door, imagine that he stepped inside the touch-screen time machine and reappeared back at the table seconds later. I would be stuck in a Groundhog Day loop watching that interview for the rest of the day. In actuality,  the interview ended, the employer walked over to my table, looked me dead in the eye and said, “You’re fired.”

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