KICK NOT LICK

So I don’t play video games anymore. Don’t get me wrong. You’re not gonna hear “I’m 24 years old, video games are for kids” out of me. That’s not the case. I think they are still fun. I just get too mad when I play them. I am super duper competitive and when I lose I absolutely go nuts. It’s complete anarchy. Especially when I lose to a kid who’s like 10 years old. This reminds me of a story. One time I was playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare. If you’re under the age of 30 and you don’t know what that is, crawl out from under the rock you have been living under. If you’ve ever played the game you know that people can commentate or talk (shit) while you’re playing. However, you can talk and work with teammates to do other things (capture the flag, dismantle a bomb, etc.). Well, one night I was on top of my game. It was a free for all and I was killing everybody. You would have thought I was Jason Voorhees.  I just wouldn’t die. People would shoot, but I’d crouch and blast them. I was on a streak of about 10 kills when he got me. I was crouching in a stairwell (in the video game) when I heard a weaselly childish laugh followed by, “You’re trash.”

Then, I get killed. I scream out, “WHAT!? Impossible!” I watch the replay of my death. The guy’s at a height that no one can get to. HE WAS CHEATING. How he got up there? I’ll never know. All I know is that he was cheating and I was livid.I picked up my headphones and began my rant. “You cheating scumbag!” I screamed. “Don’t be mad at me cause you suck” he replied. “HOW do I suck?!? I was on a 10 win streak you idiot!” I yammered. “It’s simple. Like….you suck cause you suck.” I was back in grade school all over again. I was instantly transported back to a time when sub-par insults were daggers. I was seeing red. This guy wasn’t going to get the best of me.  “Listen to me you little bastard. If you were here I’d kick your ass!” I screamed  “MOM! This guy said he wants to lick my ass” he yelled. “NO. I said KICK, not lick. I’d KICK your ass” I protested. Then, another voice came on the line, “Excuse me. I’m his mother. No one is licking anyone’s asses here.  He’s a 10 year old boy. You sick creep! You need to relax. Don’t be mad cause you suck.”

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