Last night I went to CVS for my typical midnight sour patch kids run. On this night, I encountered a hilarious disaster. So, I’m not sure if everyone is aware, but CVS and Walgreens lock up the condom section (wanted to write sexion) and you need to press the ‘need assistance’ button or ask an employee to open up the case if you need to purchase a box. Why they have started locking them up? I have no idea. All I know is that it’s a MAJOR inconvenience. Not to mention embarrassing. So I see this guy waltz in. He’s got the look of terror in his face already. That look that you see on people when they are going into an alley to meet a drug dealer and they don’t know if the person is a cop or not. That look a person has as they negotiate with a hooker and don’t know if she’s a cop or not. He had that same look. I watched him as he slowly approached the counter. One step at a time. Sweat already pouring down his face. He starts to whisper, “excuse me, could you…” but before he can finish the female employee at the register shouts “WHAT? I can’t hear you. SPEAK UP!” If you were to check him for a pulse right then and there you wouldn’t have found one. He was dead. I don’t blame him. I’ve been in his shoes before. It’s mortifying. “I need you to open up the case” he begs. THE CASE. Every one knows what you mean when you say the case. It’s the universal word for the condom box they keep under lock and key with the pharmacist watching over it at all times. As if he was a club bouncer. “Let’s go” she says with a sigh and a wave of the arm. Her response sounded like she’d been doing this all night. Her whole life. That’s her job. Opening condom treasure chests.
I watch as they parade through the store. Imagine everyone staring at this poor bastard as he stumbles down the Halloween candy isle, down the canned Beefaroni and Ravioli isle, and down the Rogaine isle, all with his head down. Imagine her leading him down every isle. Every isle, but the one he needed to be in. They finally get to the case. The female employee opens it up, puts her hands on her hips, and says, “which one?” WHICH ONE!?! Jesus, this couldn’t get any worse for this guy. Not only does he have to tell her which one and risk the chance of being judged on the spot, but he also has to deal with making her wait. There is no feeling worse in the world than someone waiting on you. Seconds felt like years. Finally, he points silently. “EXTENDED PLEASURE?” asks the female employee. Standing there with his eyes closed, he nods. As he sprints away toward the counter, the employee starts to lock up the THE CASE. I think to myself, this is my chance. Half the battle (going up to ask someone to open it) is over. I walk over and start to say, “excuse me…” but before I can finish she shouts, SPEAK UP! Before I can speak up, a hand touches my shoulder. I turn and it’s the pharmacist. “Do we have a problem here? I think you should leave.”