Going to the dentist. That’s always a fun experience. For some reason I think we have been pre-programmed to be terrified. Even though nowadays you don’t feel anything at all. Sometimes you even get knocked out depending on what needs to be done. They put the gas mask on you. You fall asleep. They fondle you. You wake up. Every-time. Every visit I have had to the dentist has been legendary. About 3 or more years ago, I remember sitting in the chair. I came in because I had to have a few of my wisdom teeth removed. Staring into the overhead light was like staring into the sun. I shuffled around in my seat as I waited for an eternity. I looked at every square inch of the room. Then, I heard the dentist come in. “Ughhhhhh” he groans. He reaches for the counter and uses it as a crutch. He looks like James Gandolfini. Ever had a hangover? Then you know exactly what this guy is going through. He stumbles over to my x-ray on the wall, stares at it intently for about 2 minutes straight, and says, “This looks terrible! ” The smile on my face immediately was flushed down the toilet. Queue toilet flushing sound. “These wisdom teeth are facing the wrong directions. They’re out of control” according to the dentist. I start to say something, but he quickly cuts me off with “I’m a doctor” and then leaves the room.
He comes back in and begins small talk. “Where’d you go to school kid?” he asks. I tell him, “U of I”, but before I could finish my sentence he interjects with “I went there too! Man those were the days. You ever been to Kams?” “I was there a few times” I let him know. He says, “I was there ALL THE TIME. (Random Laugh). All four years. Man. We’d skip class and just go straight to the bar.” He then looked at me for reassurance. Imagine a long awkward pause with the sound of heavy Tony Soprano breathing/panting. I simply nod as he continues with, “Those girls hahaha.” That’s all he said. THOSE GIRLS. Flash forward to me sitting there with my mouth as wide open as possible as he struggles to pull my tooth out. I felt nothing because I was numb-er than a corpse but the imagery will never leave my mind. As if he was pulling the sword out of the stone. Picture the dentist wearing chain mail armor like it was The Middle Ages. He finally gets the tooth out and congratulates himself with “That’s what I’m talking about!” Stuffing a gauze pad into my mouth he leaves the room. While sitting there I hear him in another room say, “This looks terrible!” Imagine the view drifting away from me and towards the light of the sun-like overhead lamp while we hear The Sopranos theme song.