There is an area on my walk to work that is just filled with pigeons. I’m talking hundreds of them. It’s a ridiculous amount of pigeons. It looks like St. Marks Square in Venice, Italy. Now I’ve never been to Italy, but that’s what I’ve heard. To be specific, it is right next to Harold Washington College downtown. Right off of the Brown line. I remember the first time I walked into these uncharted waters. I walked right into their gangland territory and thought nothing of it. BIG MISTAKE. I’ll never forget that day. To start off, I thought I looked great that day. Felt like I had that Mick Jagger swagger as I strutted down the street. In fact, just picture Mick Jagger in tight leather pants puckering his lips as he waltzes into pigeon town. They had that look on their face like they’ve ‘seen some shit.’ The whole thing was outrageous. There were pigeons walking on top of one another. Yes. That’s right. Walking on top of one another. I’d never seen anything like it. One black feathered pigeon was just staring at me while another albino feathered one was standing on his back. Just standing there. Doing absolutely nothing. Some of them were large. Some of them were small. Some of them were big. Some of them were tall.
I slowly started to walk through while choosing my steps wisely. It was a minefield. One wrong move and I was a goner. They didn’t move for me at all. They didn’t fly away or move to the side. I had to push them with my feet. I didn’t kick them. I just nudged them a little. If you’ve ever bumped into a person on the train and they turned around to give you a dirty look than you know the exact scenario I’m describing right now. Out of the corner of my eye I see something running towards me and the pigeons. A child. My immediate reaction was “NOOOOO don’t do it kid!” In my head, it happened in slow motion. The child jumped into the air like he was Michael Jordan and came pouncing down into their outdoor saloon. This started a gangland war. The pigeons all flew into the air instantaneously. Imagine a fast-paced scene where pigeons are running into an armory and choosing weapons off of a wall. Within seconds, I was surrounded. They started beating their wings on my face. I screamed in agony as they beat my ass. They were ruthless. I didn’t stand a chance. Imagine 100 pigeons on top of me. A dog pile of pigeons. A pigeon pile. That’s what it felt like. People stood around in horror watching as I was assaulted. One woman just had her hand over her mouth shaking her head as she watched this real life nightmare occur. The child was nowhere to be found. In fact, the pigeons may have killed him, but I have no idea. I was so embarrassed. I quickly got out of the disaster zone and continued on my way to work. With a pigeon on my head. Just standing there. Doing absolutely nothing.