Ba ba ba ba ba

So I just had my lower wisdom teeth removed yesterday. To start, I’m led into a room in the back of the office with a giant X-ray machine that takes up half of the room. It’s hooked up to a laptop on a desk next to it. It looks like amateur hour. This x-ray contraption is floor to ceiling tall and has a pad for you to rest your face on. A small mouth guard sits on the pad. I’m informed to step inside. I say, “this thing looks terrifying.” I get no response. Before I know it the machine is rotating around me scanning my skeleton. The image of my x-ray pops up on the laptop screen. “These are severely impacted. We may have to drill into the bone” the assistant tells me. After that I’m led to the room where I’ll meet my demise. The dental assistant sits to my left as the dentist sits to my right. She puts the gas mask on my face while saying to the dentist, “I need a Valium ” The dentist replies with “you and me both.” HOLY SHIT I’m thinking. Not like we’re doing surgery on my mouth or anything.

Minutes later, the dentist asks me, “How are we feeling?”  I was high as a kite on laughing gas. Numbed up. I couldn’t feel my face. I felt like Bobcat Goldthwait in BlowI started to speak, ba ba ba bababaa. Imagine Porky Pig sitting there in an unnecessarily low angled chair.  I wanted to go right into singing the Beach Boy’s “Ba ba ba ba barbara ann”. Flash forward to the procedure. I’m looking up at them as they drill into my mouth. Picture a construction worker with a jackhammer. That’s what I thought of. But I didn’t feel anything. I kept drifting in and out of fantasy land. I was in a field. Just standing there. A hell of a fantasy. The dentist could not get the tooth out. He sighs while saying, “You’re going to hear a crack. Don’t worry. Everything’s alright.” This is then followed by the sound he was referring to. It sounded like a skinny branch breaking. I actually pictured that as I was sitting there and it made me laugh. Once both teeth were out and I was sewed up the dentist tells me, “This is going to swell a lot and hurt like hell.” One day later, he wasn’t kidding. My face has swollen up like a pumpkin. The pain killers are doing a great job, but if I touch my face or graze my cheeks it really hurts. This morning I woke up and pulled my phone out with the intention of writing this post. The first thing I did was drop the phone onto the side of my face…

Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Thats all folks!

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