So I’ve recently been in the holiday mood. Much more cheerier and friendly. Filled with joy and glee rather than misery. With this change in mood has also brought on listening to more Christmas music. I’ve heard Tran-Siberian Orchestra’s renditions of some of the classics in the past, but just recently found hilarity in one of them. If you haven’t heard their take on Christmas Eve, you need to listen to it (there’s a link below). If you’re reading this online (vs mobile), I suggest you scroll down and listen to it while you read. It’s an ass kicking, face melting, rock n’ roll metal show that blows pyrotechnics right out of your ass. Graphic, but that’s exactly what it is. The first time I listened to it I was blown across the room. Covered in glass and blood, I struggled to get back to my desk to shut it off, but the damage had already been done. As soon as I started listening to this song, I thought of Santa Clause. But not your traditional Santa. An ass-kicking Santa. A Santa who took no prisoners and just left trails of fire wherever he went. Instead of bringing coal, this Santa brought napalm. Picture this scenario for me. This is exactly what I imagined. A little boy wearing red onesie pajamas sneaks out of bed in the middle of the night. He runs and slides across the floor. You know. So his parents don’t’ hear him walking around. He approaches the stairs and peaks down before continuing. No one in sight. He goes down, shakes some gifts, and wanders over to the windowsill to get a look outside. Snowflakes float softly onto the window and then melt. The street is lit up by the decorations and lights from houses all around the neighborhood. So beautiful and tranquil.
Suddenly, fiery gifts start dropping from the sky. The window is illuminated bright yellow with the reflection of the inferno. The child’s mouth drops in shock and terror as gift upon gift falls from the sky. “HO HO HO you bastards!” can be heard from outside. Santa flies through the sky with his sleigh and reindeer, cursing and shouting. Instead of a red, this St. Nick is wearing all black. He’s got a bandolier with shotgun shells draped across his chest as well as a sword attached to his hip. The reindeer also have bandoliers across their chests as well as red and white desert eagles attached to each of their dark brown leather restraints. He crashes onto a rooftop and reaches into his bag, pulls out a red and green decorated grenade, yanks the pin out with his teeth, says, “Mmmm peppermint,” and slam-dunks it down a chimney. He does this at numerous houses. Explosions ring through the streets. He does a barrel-roll off the roof into a snow-filled bush below. He pulls a metallic flame thrower out of his giant red bag and waltzes down the street. Snowmen are instantly melted as the stream of fire hits them. Only carrots remain. The child screams in terror as he runs back upstairs into his room. Suddenly the child wakes up. “It was just a nightmare”, he says to himself. He hops out of bed and slides across the floor. He runs down the stairs and dives under the tree to open his first gift. His parents are nowhere to be found. As the child pulls the ribbon off of his gift, a click is heard. He opens the box to find a red and green grenade with a note, that simply says, “Mhmmm peppermint.”