Frat Boy

sword-in-the-stoneI joined a frat once. Accidentally. This is an absolutely ridiculous story, but if you’ve been reading this blog so far than you’ll understand it fits perfectly.  One night, I was invited to a party at a frat house. A friend of a friend said, “come on by bro, we’re having a major rage fest.” Major. Rage. Fest. I was all over it.  These frat parties were notorious for having an outrageous amount of alcohol and plenty of girls to talk to (from all the other sororities on campus). I went to this frat house and immediately started running amok. For a quick compilation of my night, I remember being in the basement and being involved in a bench press competition. Next thing I know I’m in a bathroom that has a bathtub filled to the brim with Keystone light and ice. I remember when I walked in, my initial thought was , “jackpot.” Walking around the party with a beer in every pocket, I ran into the leaders of the frat. The upper echelon. The elite. The guys who walked around with collars popped yelling, “yo RUSH, get me a beer ya lil BISH.” Then, they never even drank the beer that was given to them. We started talking. I have no idea what the topic was, but they just kept laughing. I was surrounded by bro’s who were laughing hysterically.Rushes were handing me beers even though I had 5 already on me. “Let’s show him around” one of the Frat Kings said. They took me up to the top floor. Before we stepped inside the wooden maroon colored door, a pungent smell of of marijuana filled the hallway. Imagine those cartoons where you can actually see smells. It was like that. In this case, it was a green aura. After walking in, the room was filled with a dense marijuana fog. It was hard to make out what was going on besides the obvious.”Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga was playing and people were just sitting around on bean bags. All of them stoned out of their minds.

We walked through and went to another room, which was filled with servers. It was a data center. A brief conversation occurred that told me “this is where we store the porn and music. Unlimited access to EVERYTHING.” What constituted EVERYTHING? Why they were telling me all of these things I have no idea.  I felt like I was hanging out with a group of used car salesmen. The entire tour was about the amazing things this frat house had access to. It felt like a government job interview. Finally, I was led to a room that was all the way at the end of the hall. One secret knock and a handshake later, I was sitting in an unusually tall chair. One I had to climb up into to sit on. A Jewish man who was wearing a white tank top (dego-tee) and satin blue boxers sat at the computer. He spun around showing off his curly black haired head and chest. His name was Saul. He said, “You’re a perfect fit for this house man. We need a guy like you on the inside.” This conversation sounded like I was going deep undercover to be a member of a mafia syndicate. I felt like Donnie Brasco.  “So, what do you think? Would you like to join?” asks Saul.  Heavily intoxicated at that point, I said, “um…well….hmmmm let’s see…ABSOLUTELY! What do I have to do? Do I gotta pull the sword out of the stone or something like that?” They laughed hysterically and handed me a piece of paper to sign. I signed it without hesitation. Suddenly the laughter came to a halt. At the click of the pen there was pure silence. I looked around and everyone had a pissed-off face. I awkwardly climbed down from my high chair. Saul leaned forward in his chair and said, “Yo Rush, get me a beer ya lil BISH.”


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