My teeth are fake. Not all of them, but the most important ones at least. My 2 front teeth are partially fake. When I was in grade school, I broke them. Better yet. Shattered them. It all occurred during a high octane, no holes barred, kickball game in the parking lot during recess. It was a ‘take no prisoners’ game and people were out for blood. Remember the baseball gang The Baseball Furies from the movie The Warriors. Imagine that they were the other team I was playing against. If you have never seen that movie, it’s basically guys in joker-like makeup who are wearing baseball uniforms. To paint the picture for you, it was a partially rainy morning. Drizzling as we like to call it. For some reason, they didn’t bring us inside and end recess even though it was still raining. Someone must have fell asleep on the job. I was playing in the back of the parking lot waiting for home run kicks to catch. I’m not sure if you remember, but these rubbery kick balls hurt like hell and can come at you pretty fast. These kick balls were nailing people in the nuts left and right. They had a mind of their own.
Finally, a bomb was kicked out to me. I took off after it. I ran as fast as I could with my head in the air and my eyes on the ball. As it flew majestically through the air, I tripped and fell. Face first into a street lamp post. I grabbed my mouth immediately because that’s where the shooting pain was coming from. I pulled back my hand away from my face to see nothing but blood. It looked like I had just killed someone. I screamed out in pain. A cute girl named Cathy ran to my aid and walked me to the office as I cried holding pieces of my teeth in my hand. It was a real nightmare. The dentist fixed the problem and gave me some new teeth, but informed me that this will have to be fixed again (bond will wear off or something like that) every 3-5 years. They have re-broken numerous times since. Typically at the worst times possible. Flash forward to me seating across from a beautiful girl. Probably something like 10 years later. We’re on a date. I’m trying to act cool and nonchalant. I take a bite of the bread that they put on the table while telling her “this is the best bread in town.” My teeth crack immediately and fall onto the plate. She just stared at me like she was on a date with a zombie who was falling apart. In my head I imagined myself apologizing and reaching for some water while my arm fell off. She excused herself to go to the bathroom. I knew the routine. While sitting there looking like Lloyd Christmas, I asked for the check and waited for her to return. She never did, but I do recall a girl dressed up like one of Baseball Furies rushing past my table.